Kettering
by strangelighting
Summary: Kaneki had changed, but was he already beyond Hide's reach?


**Kettering **

Hidekane, Manga spoilers, AU from around 108+, but takes a little inspiration from 136.

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853…

Kaneki had changed. Hide had known that, had steeled himself for that. He wasn't sure when it had clicked. Maybe even as far back as the first (conscious) visit to the hospital. The lack of appetite and the way he avoided Hide. Even when he did meet Hide's gaze, his eyes seemed hollow. He had tried to brush it away - Kaneki just needed time to recover, right? It was normal. The feeling gnawed at him, balanced only by the relief that he was _alive. _

Since their reunion, most of time they had spent most of their time together had been spent in a "normal" manner. Conversing in coffee shops, just like the old days - only now they would both end up back at Hide's apartment, and most recently, in his bedroom. He wouldn't press Kaneki about his ghoul life (well, aside from the occasional teasing question), and Kaneki would only mention it in passing when he had to.

He had met Kaneki's group already. Hinami, he had liked from the start, thrilled at how quickly he became her "Hide-onee chan". He had been a little wary of Banjou's masculine frame, but he barely seconds into introductions, Hide understood that there was no need for trepidation around Banjou. The sheer _humanity_ exuding from these two did volumes to ease Hide's worry about Kaneki's new lifestyle

But then there was Tsukiyama Shuu. Kaneki had warned him before hand, and he understood immediately once he set eyes on that slippery smile. Tsukiyama made no effort to hide his hunger, but Kaneki's responses usually only shifted between indifference and "polite" requests. There were times though, when Tsukiyama would _overstep_ his boundaries. The first time Hide saw that glare, he barely saw Kaneki Ken. The unease he felt then was quickly marred by the satisfaction of seeing that creep put in his place.

846...

But the pieces continued to unravel themselves.

The way his smile failed to connect to his eyes. At first it didn't bother him, after all he had always been that way hadn't he? Showing the world only the act he wanted to. But Hide had always been able to see behind that mask. Now, however, the line between the two blurred, and when Kaneki had left that morning, claiming he was simply going out for a walk, Hide found he had no idea what lay behind that cheery smile.

837…

Of course, not all the discoveries Hide had made since their reunion had been bad. For instance, the sight of Ken stepping out of the shower (_his _shower). For a second, his brain stuttered, unable to link the perfectly sculpted torso before him with the meek little boy he had grown up with. Only when his gaze finally tilted up to those familiar eyes (though shadowed with a sweep of soft white hair), did he really believe it.

Seriously, it wasn't _fair_ for someone to look that good.

As Kaneki finally realised the reason behind the look on Hide's face, he ducked his face, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks. _That_, wasn't an act Hide was sure. He found himself grinning, and the blush depended. Soon, they found themselves in a tangle of limbs and lips.

Even then, a pang of guilt hit him as Hide reminded himself that Kaneki hardly looked that way for aesthetic reasons. He had been forced, moulded and carved into a new shape by the claws of the ghoul world. But did it matter what new tarnish showed on his exterior? The core was the same. He was that same boy that had talked the night away with so many years ago, finding solace in each others company where they couldn't in their own homes.

832…

The noise finally pushed its self into the forefront of his mind. The number meant nothing to him, yet it seemed to be coming from his kitchen, from the voice of his partner.

He could no longer ignore that same gnawing dread. Already aware that he would probably regret what he found, Hide found himself making his to the kitchen. "Kaneki?"

The vision before him had to be a nightmare, and yet - and yet-

His best friend, the boy he was in love with, Kaneki Ken turned to face him. One eye black and red and two kagune out. Blood splashed downwards. He followed it to the floor. And what lay there…

Fingers. _Dozens _of them scattered around the floor, a canvas of blood and flesh and… Fighting the urge to turn away, and empty his stomach on the floor, he inched closer.

"Hide?" Kaneki sounded mildly confused.

"You're…" Hide's throat dried up. "…bleeding." He finished. An obvious observation for a scene that was anything but.

"It's okay. It'll heal. It always does." There was a flash of movement, a slash through the air. He heard a soft thump as it fell to the floor. It was the index finger this time. Next to it, a finger had already partially regenerated. Hide could only stare as the next swipe targeted his feet. This time, it was toes - two of them. They bounced across the room, drawing with them another arc of blood.

"Eight hundred and twenty… oh. I'm out of fingers." The tentacle which had once again soared through the air, halted suddenly.

"-five." It drove through his torso.

"NO!"

Whatever had held Hide back broke, and he launched onto Kaneki, not caring if he was torn to shreds in the process. He connected, sending them both sprawling to the floor. When he dared to open his eyes, he found Kaneki staring back, both eyes human now.

"H-Hide? What's wrong?"

He could already feel the warmth of the blood soaking through, him, and he leapt back up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." The words left his throat at barely a whisper. The wrong words. Because, of course he shouldn't feel fine. The pain should mean something, make him feel _something. _And that was why Hide was staring at him, seeing him for the first time, for the monster he truly, undoubtably, undeniably was.

Of course, Hide would tell him that no, he wasn't. Hide, who had merely grinned and said that it was _okay_ and that it didn't _matter._ Hide who had already saved him once, was doing so again. When Hide had found him, and told him that he knew and didn't care, all he had wanted to do was tell him he loved him. He hadn't, once again proving that Hide was far, far more than he deserved

Hide hadn't known what he was getting himself into. Perhaps freshly ghoulified Kaneki Ken may have been able to make things work with Hide. In some way. But Kaneki "The Centipede" Ken, who had sworn to protect everyone, and had thrown away his human self like a ragged doll to do so - he was truly the monster his mask portrayed him as. Worse than.

He couldn't bear to look at him any longer. He pulling himself to his feet (or what was left of them rather, he thought bitterly). Ignoring the sudden lightness in his head, he pressed on, and, oh…

_So weak… _The words fluttered through his mind as the floor dragged him down

Hide knew he had reacted wrong from the second Kaneki's gaze left him. But he was left paralysed as _somehow_ Ken got up (like he'd simply stubbed a toe), and began to walk (and it really was _walk, _not hobble and stumble) as if nothing had happened.

And then like puppet with its strings slashed he crumpled to the floor.

"Kaneki!" The useless words left his mouth, as he leapt towards his friend. All the facts he knew about ghouls and regeneration flashed through his head. They told him that he would be fine, that this was not a big deal for a ghoul with Kaneki's regenerative powers - and yet his heart wouldn't stop pounding at the sight of Kaneki covered in blood and unconscious on his kitchen floor.

Thankfully, no sooner had he made his way over (already considering feeding Kaneki his _own_ finger) his eyes fluttered open.

"I'm fine. I just overdid it a little." The words did little to ease Hide's concern. "…my regeneration's slowed down. I just need to eat."

For a moment, he wanted to offer his own flesh, but thought twice about it. He had no doubt that Kaneki would eat his own severed fingers before he would set his sights on Hide, and _that_ was a train of thought he'd rather not pursue. Besides, he remembered, he had some of those sugar cubes somewhere in the cupboards. Though he knew Kaneki mainly found food from… _other _means these days, they kept them around if only so the two of them could share a cup of coffee once in a while and resume some semblance of normality.

So, instead, Hide took a deep breath, steeled himself, and asked the question foremost on his mind.

"Kaneki. I don't want to push if you're not up to it, but… what happened?" _How are you this messed up, _were the words he must have meant. Kaneki was silent, knowing that he owed at the very least that much to Hide. "…maybe talking about it would help.

"I was tortured." It felt so strange, saying those words out loud. Admitting that the boy trapped in that chair had really been him.

Hide was still looking at him, expression unreadable. So he continued, while his tongue would let him. "My, uh fingers and toes were cut off for… I don't know how long. At least a week. And there was the centipede," The stare continued, but this time his throat closed up. His ears burned with _that sound_, and he clenched his hands tight to keep himself from trying to tear them out. It was too late for his train of thought though - he could already hear the laughter, made only more acute by that familiar feeling in his hands and feet. His vision blurred, and he tried not to give into that primal instinct - to eat, destroy and tear it apart until there was nothing left that could hurt him. Nothing at all.

_I was tortured._ The second the words hit his brain Hide was frozen. Perhaps he had been better off not knowing, as now the images flashed through his head, and pure, feral anger boiled at his blood. He wanted to throw up, he wanted to punch _something _- but most of all, he just wanted to throw his arms around Kaneki, and tell him that _everything would be okay._ He wanted to believe those words himself. But looking at the sight before him, all blood, pale skin and paler hair felt all too easy to break. So Hide just sat there, frozen and useless.

After all, what could he say? Hide was good at making jokes and lightening the direst situations, but here… What could he possibly say without belittling Ken's experience or making it worse or… He caught the look on Ken's face, eyes wide with sheer abject terror, and something grasped at his heart in a way he, never, ever wanted to feel again.

So he said the only words left in his mind. "I love you. No matter what. I'm here for you."

"Hide, I, I'm just _broken_." His voice cracked and Hide felt like he would too. "Y-you've saved me before, but now I don't think…"

"You're not-"

"Hide." Kaneki's voice was flat now. "Look around you. Your kitchen floor is covered in _fingers._" He sounded like he wanted to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation. Hide did too; it was easier than processing it.

"It doesn't matter though. If it's too late for you, it's too late for me." He laughed uncomfortably. "I'm buried as deep in this as you, I've chosen that."

"Hide, I…" He trailed

"Listen to me. I don't regret it, okay? Any of it. And I won't, as long as you're alive, and here, and even if its just once in a very long while, I get to see you smile and know you mean it." He was just rambling now.

"I love you, you know."

He hadn't. He dared to hope once in a while. His head went empty and then simply giddy with elation. Perhaps it was ridiculous, considering their circumstances, but already he could feel the heavy atmosphere of the room begin to lift.

But there were things that had to be done first. "Stay down for a bit, I'll be right back."

When he returned, Kaneki was still sitting on the same spot on the floor, but from the way his head rested on the side of the cupboard, he seemed on the verge of passing out again.

"Coffee." There was an awkward moment as Kaneki attempted to reach for the cup, before realising he was unable to hold it, but he surrendered and let Hide help him.

Hide paused, scratching his head. "Could you let me look at that wound?"

Kaneki hesitated again, not removing the arm he had over it. It wasn't hard to tell that it looked pretty bad. "It'll heal just fine on its own."

"Let me clean up the blood at least." He pressed, and again, Kaneki surrendered.

He still cringed when he saw the extent of the damage, but tried to hide it. It was obvious this was "normal" for Kaneki, and he had to accept and adjust to it - however much it made the bile rise in his throat.

So he cleaned it up the best he could, and the tension slowly uncoiled from Kaneki as he simply sat back and let Hide take care of it.

"Are you going to try it alone and collapse again, or will you let me help you?"

His eyes lowered for a second, but then an arm was extended. "Thank you, Hide. For everything"

He rolled his eyes. Careful to avoid what was left of his broken and bloody hand, he grasped Kaneki by the upper arm and helped him into the bedroom.

He would need to clean the floor as soon as possible. He was expecting Tsukiyama to drop by the next morning, and the last thing he needed was everyone in a mile radius hearing gleeful yells of faux italian. And then, he'd have to step in, and they'd be an even bigger mess of Tsukiyama's blood to clean up. Either way, he would do it soon. Hide had done enough for him.

It had been unneeded, he could have simply spent the night on the kitchen floor, and the bleeding would have stopped by morning. No need to bother with bandages and cleaning.

But leaning on Hide, feeling his warmth on his skin, and his soft words of comfort… it had made him feel good in a way he hadn't felt in a long, long time.

By the time they reached the bedroom, he was all but already passed out. Hide helped him into a comfortable position, handling him carefully, more gently than he deserved. Kaneki's his words of gratitude barely left his lips before his eyes slipped closed.

_So weak…_

And yet… so human.

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**Author's Note: **This is the first fanfic I've posted, I'm not 100% happy with it, but decided to post anyway, sorry for mistakes and bad writing.

The title is from the song "Kettering" by The Antlers - doesn't really make sense, but I couldn't think of a better name.


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